I grew up surrounded by pro-life conservatives. I even inadvertently attended one of those pro-life rallies, the kind where you put tape over your mouth to share in the silence of the innocent unborn.
At a women's conference at the United Nations, a particular pro-life group stood outside boycotting a Planned Parenthood meeting advocating education, and handed out pro-life goodie bags. Mine included a brochure on the evils of contraception and an actual tiny plastic fetus. It was pretty uncomfortable. Throwing away a plastic fetus felt pretty weird. Keeping it would have been even weirder.
I'm not bashing pro-lifers, though I suppose I am poking a bit of fun at some of the extremists. The truth is I was right there with them while I was growing up. This post is actually for the reasonable ones, many of whom are friends and family. The ones who say, "I'm against abortion, except in the case of rape."
"Against abortion except in the case of rape" shows empathy. I appreciate that. It demonstrates an understanding that being raped is mentally, physically and emotionally scarring, that having a child after such an experience would be extremely difficult, traumatizing. Thank you for understanding that, for putting yourself in someone else's shoes.
There's many of us who picture rape as some horrifying deed done by a stranger in a dark alley. I sure did. Growing up with rape culture (that's a whole different blog post to tackle, touched on here: Rape Culture, Or Everyday Life) it's all about walking safely, in groups, before dark, carrying mace. But ask any of the one in four college aged girls in the United States if it was a dark alley, and the majority would say no.
I spoke with one woman. She fell in love with a guy, one loved by everyone who knew him. When they finally had sex, she walked away from the experience covered with bruises, a vaginal infection, vaginal bleeding, and a busted lip.
Was it rape? By legal definition, no. There are some out there that might say, "why didn't you scream? Did you say no? Did you fight? Didn't you know this would happen?"
She's not the only one. The amount of women who endure traumatizing experiences by their boyfriends, people they know, people they are pretty sure they love- are we dismissing their case entirely because it doesn't line up with our black and white legal definitions?
If your empathy has taken you far enough to imagine a dark alley, please try to imagine a little further. Imagine that not all sexual experiences fit into a definition of "good" and "bad", that rape by someone you know is just as scarring, if not more, than by a stranger, that expectations and hopes and dreams are often dashed to the ground, and not necessarily in cut and dry ways defined by law. Imagine the enormity of human complexity, of love, of sex, of lust, of want, of broken hearts, of broken families, of broken children who grow up and break more children. Put that complexity in an 11 minute horrific encounter, and then hold it up to the law.
It does't measure up.
The pro-life, pro-choice debate has been going on forever, and I know better than to try to change anyone's mind. This post is also addressing only one of many facets of the abortion issue. But I am begging you to look outside the box, to see the mess and the complication, to stop discussing pros and cons in coffee shops and actually go out and start showing love to broken people in a pro-active way. I could care less what your political stance is. If you can possibly find a way to show love and respect to the women around you, to honor them, to validate their experiences, to listen rather than shouting opinions-
well, that would make me one happy feminist.
Want more facts? Check out 50 Actual Facts About Rape by Soraya Chemaly
At a women's conference at the United Nations, a particular pro-life group stood outside boycotting a Planned Parenthood meeting advocating education, and handed out pro-life goodie bags. Mine included a brochure on the evils of contraception and an actual tiny plastic fetus. It was pretty uncomfortable. Throwing away a plastic fetus felt pretty weird. Keeping it would have been even weirder.
I'm not bashing pro-lifers, though I suppose I am poking a bit of fun at some of the extremists. The truth is I was right there with them while I was growing up. This post is actually for the reasonable ones, many of whom are friends and family. The ones who say, "I'm against abortion, except in the case of rape."
"Against abortion except in the case of rape" shows empathy. I appreciate that. It demonstrates an understanding that being raped is mentally, physically and emotionally scarring, that having a child after such an experience would be extremely difficult, traumatizing. Thank you for understanding that, for putting yourself in someone else's shoes.
There's many of us who picture rape as some horrifying deed done by a stranger in a dark alley. I sure did. Growing up with rape culture (that's a whole different blog post to tackle, touched on here: Rape Culture, Or Everyday Life) it's all about walking safely, in groups, before dark, carrying mace. But ask any of the one in four college aged girls in the United States if it was a dark alley, and the majority would say no.
I spoke with one woman. She fell in love with a guy, one loved by everyone who knew him. When they finally had sex, she walked away from the experience covered with bruises, a vaginal infection, vaginal bleeding, and a busted lip.
Was it rape? By legal definition, no. There are some out there that might say, "why didn't you scream? Did you say no? Did you fight? Didn't you know this would happen?"
She's not the only one. The amount of women who endure traumatizing experiences by their boyfriends, people they know, people they are pretty sure they love- are we dismissing their case entirely because it doesn't line up with our black and white legal definitions?
If your empathy has taken you far enough to imagine a dark alley, please try to imagine a little further. Imagine that not all sexual experiences fit into a definition of "good" and "bad", that rape by someone you know is just as scarring, if not more, than by a stranger, that expectations and hopes and dreams are often dashed to the ground, and not necessarily in cut and dry ways defined by law. Imagine the enormity of human complexity, of love, of sex, of lust, of want, of broken hearts, of broken families, of broken children who grow up and break more children. Put that complexity in an 11 minute horrific encounter, and then hold it up to the law.
It does't measure up.
The pro-life, pro-choice debate has been going on forever, and I know better than to try to change anyone's mind. This post is also addressing only one of many facets of the abortion issue. But I am begging you to look outside the box, to see the mess and the complication, to stop discussing pros and cons in coffee shops and actually go out and start showing love to broken people in a pro-active way. I could care less what your political stance is. If you can possibly find a way to show love and respect to the women around you, to honor them, to validate their experiences, to listen rather than shouting opinions-
well, that would make me one happy feminist.
Want more facts? Check out 50 Actual Facts About Rape by Soraya Chemaly
So, I'm interested to know, and I know you're deliberately trying not to answer this question: Do you think that abortion in the case of rape is ok?
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