The Monster Under the Sink

I recently bought a fully furnished apartment here in Shanghai, China. I have throw pillows and plants and stocked toilet paper and feel like an ADULT!

Along with the all the fancy gizmos and gadgets (yes, stocked toilet paper just took it up a notch for me) I found a scale under the sink.

I am 24 years old and have never owned a scale. Until now.

I am so sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I had no idea what you were going through. All you normal people out there with a monster under your sink.

I stepped on a few days ago out of curiosity. Oh, surprise. I weighed about 7 or 8 pounds more than I had estimated. No problem, right? I was clueless before then. I was still beautiful, wonderful, adorable me-

Eh, maybe I should start eating a little bit less.

Oh, how quick the fall. This morning I stepped on again, saw that the number went down, and was happy.

Happy.

Kill me now. It took twice, TWICE, and my self-esteem was already trapped in a little tiny square with a number.

Now is the problem of disposing with the monster.

I won't use it again, I'll keep it just in case. What if I need to weigh my luggage one day? That is a legit concern. What about that giant bag of bananas I bought they said was one weight at the grocery store but they were really lying and it's better if I have this thing around to check just in case? What if someday my weight really does become a problem and I should start monitoring it and I should just keep this one so I don't have to buy a new one someday, right?

It's a monster. Like the monster book Harry Potter has to buy that runs under his bed and tries to eat him.

A google image reinterpretation, but that's pretty much what it looked like.

I apologize to all of you out there who have had this monster much longer than I have, and I could never quite understand how it was so difficult or made you so depressed. I get it now. It's terrible. And while I completely understand how hard it is to get rid of the thing (I still need to make the final move of taking out the trash, myself) please, please please do yourself a favor and dump it. Start a revolution. Ruin the scale business forever and ever. You don't need this crap in your life. 

Instead, invest in a sexy, comfortable pair of underwear that you can dance around in while making some french toast. That's what I'm doing today. 

Kill the monster guys. Kill it dead. 

Why "Abortion in the Case of Rape" is Not Good Enough

I grew up surrounded by pro-life conservatives. I even inadvertently attended one of those pro-life rallies, the kind where you put tape over your mouth to share in the silence of the innocent unborn.

At a women's conference at the United Nations, a particular pro-life group stood outside boycotting a Planned Parenthood meeting advocating education, and handed out pro-life goodie bags. Mine included a brochure on the evils of contraception and an actual tiny plastic fetus. It was pretty uncomfortable. Throwing away a plastic fetus felt pretty weird. Keeping it would have been even weirder.

I'm not bashing pro-lifers, though I suppose I am poking a bit of fun at some of the extremists. The truth is I was right there with them while I was growing up. This post is actually for the reasonable ones, many of whom are friends and family. The ones who say, "I'm against abortion, except in the case of rape."

"Against abortion except in the case of rape" shows empathy. I appreciate that. It demonstrates an understanding that being raped is mentally, physically and emotionally scarring, that having a child after such an experience would be extremely difficult, traumatizing. Thank you for understanding that, for putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

There's many of us who picture rape as some horrifying deed done by a stranger in a dark alley. I sure did. Growing up with rape culture (that's a whole different blog post to tackle, touched on here: Rape Culture, Or Everyday Life) it's all about walking safely, in groups, before dark, carrying mace. But ask any of the one in four college aged girls in the United States if it was a dark alley, and the majority would say no.

I spoke with one woman. She fell in love with a guy, one loved by everyone who knew him. When they finally had sex, she walked away from the experience covered with bruises, a vaginal infection, vaginal bleeding, and a busted lip.

Was it rape? By legal definition, no. There are some out there that might say, "why didn't you scream? Did you say no? Did you fight? Didn't you know this would happen?"

She's not the only one. The amount of women who endure traumatizing experiences by their boyfriends, people they know, people they are pretty sure they love- are we dismissing their case entirely because it doesn't line up with our black and white legal definitions?

If your empathy has taken you far enough to imagine a dark alley, please try to imagine a little further. Imagine that not all sexual experiences fit into a definition of "good" and "bad", that rape by someone you know is just as scarring, if not more, than by a stranger, that expectations and hopes and dreams are often dashed to the ground, and not necessarily in cut and dry ways defined by law. Imagine the enormity of human complexity, of love, of sex, of lust, of want, of broken hearts, of broken families, of broken children who grow up and break more children. Put that complexity in an 11 minute horrific encounter, and then hold it up to the law.

It does't measure up.

The pro-life, pro-choice debate has been going on forever, and I know better than to try to change anyone's mind. This post is also addressing only one of many facets of the abortion issue. But I am begging you to look outside the box, to see the mess and the complication, to stop discussing pros and cons in coffee shops and actually go out and start showing love to broken people in a pro-active way. I could care less what your political stance is. If you can possibly find a way to show love and respect to the women around you, to honor them, to validate their experiences, to listen rather than shouting opinions-

well, that would make me one happy feminist.


Want more facts? Check out 50 Actual Facts About Rape by Soraya Chemaly

It's All Relative

While Wendy Davis was standing up in her much-discussed pink sneakers in Texas, here in China it was just another day where abortions are 50 bucks a pop- and that's for a good one.

Some Americans are fighting for the right to be in control of how many children they have by being able to choose abortion as an option. In China, some are fighting for the same right, by being able to not choose abortion as an option.

"One is enough," A friend of mine nervously laughed as we talked about the one child policy over rice and green bean soup. Her friend disagreed. "They become too spoiled!" She said. Here I was, surrounded by women who had zero choice in what their family could look like or be. Abortion isn't an option here. It's a must.

The idea in China is having more than one child sucking resources and money would be selfish, greedy, wrong. In the United States, the pro-life idea is that mothers who choose abortion instead of raising a child are selfish, greedy, and wrong. How could a human being with thought choose a lower "moral" path instead of choosing the rights of the unborn? says one half of the world. How could a human being with thought choose to take and take from the rest of the people that need things so badly? says the other half.

Woman in Saudi Arabia are fighting the hijab rules. Women in France are fighting for the right to wear them. Women in the U.S. still fight against the glass ceiling and job competition, while women in Scandinavia fight for a longer mother's leave from work.

We cannot define feminism by what we are for or against in these kinds of issues. The woman in China wanting less abortion clinics is just as feminist as the woman outside of the Texas courthouse wanting abortion to be more available.  Same for the women all over the world, fighting on polar opposite sides for the same thing: freedom.

Being a feminist is about more choice, however that applies. Be a global feminist. Think about the big picture. Be aware that your political stance does not hold true all over the world, that cases are different, that humbleness and wisdom are required wherever there is change. Be willing to be wrong, to be right, to stand with sisters whose needs are different from yours. Don't forget about the men, our amazing feminist men who have just as much polarity in some of their issues as the women have. Listen. Discuss. Travel. Read. Stay out of the box, and you can change the world.